November 27, 2023

I've been trying to come to terms with my nonbinary identity.

It took me quite some time to realize that I wasn't "quite a woman," as I would phrase it. My most prominent facial features aren't traditionally considered feminine, and I struggled between liking my more androgynous appearance and wanting to fit the definition of a feminine face. I was always more modest in my appearance and have a handful of tactile sensory issues, so it's no surprise that I don't like clingy or revealing clothes that show off my more feminine (I'd go so far as to say motherly) figure. I struggle with my body image, but don't all women? And sure I hate being short, but I'm sure most women below like 5'5 hate their height; that's more about the inconvenience of not being able to reach things and constantly being mistaken for a little girl.

It took me a while to realize that most women don't struggle with the desire to look androgynous but follow beauty standards; that most women don't contemplate how much better a shirt would look if they didn't have boobs; that most women don't frequently think about how much easier life would be if they were just born as straight men; that most women don't just experience their gender as a physical trait, but as an integral part of their identity and mindset.

My proverbial egg finally cracked after a dream I had in which I was back in high school. There, I had a transfemme friend (who I never had in real life) who dared me to sneak in a padded bra for her; I agreed, but only if she snuck in a binder for me in return, and wacky hijinks ensued. When I woke up and was on my way to therapy later that day, I thought to myself "yeah, pretty sure most cis person wouldn't dream that up."

Part of what took me so long to come to terms with my identity is that I always had trouble distinguishing between gender identity and gender expression, and part of the reason why I have trouble distinguishing that is of course my upbringing, but also the fact that I experience gender as a trivial thing, like eye color or handedness, not an integral thing like culture or language. So for a while I had the struggle of "Am I nonbinary or just a woman who's not overtly feminine most of the time and who is also sick of the way women are treated in society?"

I bought a binder a few weeks ago. Although I'm not in a place where it's acceptable to exist outside of "the norm," I've been meaning to experiment a bit and I wanted to see not only what I look like flat, but also how that would make me feel. There have frequently been times where I've envisioned myself or my self-inserts with a flat chest, and even though I have a relatively small chest, I still feel like it often gets in the way when doing certain tasks. Unfortunately it turns out that the fact that my chest isn't particularly..."firm," let's say...makes binding somewhat difficult, and the stiffness of the collar drew a lot of attention to my chest. I wasn't sure why binding felt weird to me: was it simply the fact that it's different, the sensory experience of what's essentially a compression tank top, the weird fit making me not look flat enough, or was this simply not for me?

I know I'm not really supposed to put it in the washing machine, but I was desperate to loosen the seams so they weren't so stiff. After going in the wash, the seams were much flatter and looked much better. On top of that, I also found an exercise video aimed at transmasc people, promising abs and a more toned chest. Hopefully that will also help with my body issues, and I've been meaning to work out a lot more.

A lot of my problem with exercise is simply keeping up with it. Often I find it simply to be boring, or I'm nervous about being too sore for work the next day. Gyms and morning runs are a bit out of the question because of how terrified I am of people in general; I can't stay in an unfamiliar place alone for more than an hour without breaking out into a stress sweat, and you want me to do something as vulnerable and at times modesty-compromising as exercising in front of other people??

Honestly that pretty much sums up my trouble with anything really: the mortifying ordeal of being known. I think to myself, "What's the point of enjoying something if I have no one to share it with, and what's the point of sharing it with the people I know because that'll likely just annoy them, and I can't find new people to tell that to because new people are scary." I've had a troubled history as being labeled one of the "weird kids" and losing pretty much everyone I've ever gotten close with, which combined with the typical emotionally unavailable family makes me super reluctant to be vulnerable, but the kind of person I am makes me desperate to share pretty much everything with others. So that's sort of what brought me to social media and, presently, blogging: the desire to semi-anonymously shout into the void. I won't deny that, although I intend to share quite a lot of thoughts with you the readers, I revel in the fact that you will never know the true and total me, only a vaguely me-shaped blob. I hope you like what you find and will come back for more, but if you're just passing through, I'm glad you at least paid a visit^^!